Aid culture and the art of being OK with uncomfortable

 "I came to Haiti to do good."  Yeah, me too. Most foreigners do.

Last week the New York Times published an op-ed that created more than a few conversations among aid and development workers in Haiti.  The reactions have been mixed and this blog post is reflection on my reaction to the write-up.

Yes, we come to do good.  And yes, there are contradictions in our day to day lives. It can be confusing. We come to Haiti because our hearts hear the call of our brothers and sisters in the poorest country in the western hemisphere.  We come to offer a hand in alleviating what we perceive as an immense suffering greater than we could know in our home country.  We are here to help...

But to help who exactly?  And to what long-lasting effect?  Can we be certain that the positive focused impact we have is enough to outweigh the potential negatives of large-scale 'aid culture'? 

How many people in the Haiti are asking these questions? I'm not sure, but I know I am.  Every day I am here is filled with them.

In my short five months in Haiti I have met at least 100 people from all over the world working to help Haiti in a myriad of ways. Off the top of my head, I've met people working on...

...large scale government infrastructure improvement projects... improving the electoral process....improving transparency of parliament...introducing cookstove technologies...building houses out of waste materials....offering free physical therapy...paying people for trash and recycling....helping to feed hungry children...teaching kids art and photography...building creative schools in communities...empowering women and girls through education and community strengthening...introducing alternative energy resources...offering trauma relief services....

I see all of this each day and I ask myself again and again, "What am I doing here?  What is my role in all of this?" 

 In "I came to Haiti to do good." Nora writes,

"Meanwhile, they see us leaving the grocery store with bags of food that cost more than what they make in a month. They watch us get into large air-conditioned cars and drive by them, always by them. They see us going home to nice, big houses, shielded by high walls. 

And here is what they don’t know: These houses? We could never afford them back home. These houses we have because they don’t. We have a job because they are poor. And because their poverty is extreme, because the country they were born in is hot, dusty, stormy, messy and perilous, we are paid well."

This is not the story of every development worker or expat living in Haiti, but I see it as the rule rather than the exception.  And this rule creates confusion for some of us.  What is the message we are sending? What is the broader long-arc impact of our presence here? Is it fair that I am here to help and at the same time living a life that is inaccessible to the very people I am supposedly helping? 

These are questions I ask for which I have no answer.

Being here is about coming to terms with acceptance that I don't have the answers.  And that I probably never will.  Teaching yoga in Haiti is teaching me to recognize the value of being OK with not knowing.

Much of my life in Haiti over the past 5 months has been the practice of coming back to this idea daily. "I am uncertain about the what's, why's and how's of what I choose to do each day I live in Haiti. I am unclear about my goals and desires for the impact those actions have in the larger picture of life.  This uncertainty is OK. I am safe, I am happy. May I heal. May I be a source of healing for others."

These words of Rainer Maria Rilke strike deep to the center of this practice and serve as a touchstone when I lose my way and get caught up in the questions and the seeking.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” 

I can spin a thousand stories of what I am doing here in Haiti and how I can self-validate the way I choose to spend my days. On the surface it is simple: I am here sharing yoga, health and wellness practices.

When I question why I am doing this work in Haiti, I am reminded that it doesn't matter where I am. It doesn't matter what I am doing.  All that matters is that I remember to love. Love big, love often. The rest will sort itself out.

Everywhere I go, there I am.

Still On Purpose in Haiti and truly loving it deeply and completely.  My 'enough is simply enough' mantra has been powerful and has led to deep self-healing and acceptance over the past month.

A visit from my lovely friend Jolie took the experience to a new level of enjoyment and also served as an important reminder about the powerful experience I am enjoying here.

I recently realized that I've been 'at home in Haiti' for the past two months, and have decided I will call consciously call this 'home' for now.  Haiti is my new home. I love that way it sounds.

I don't know how long 'now' is exactly, at least 6 months, probably a year, maybe the rest of my life- who knows!?

I only know that my life is moving forward with joy and love. Everyday I am dancing at the edges of my comfort zone, singing the song that lives in my soul, teaching yoga, sharing joy and positive energy, going with the flow.

Today begins my birthday month. Just about 43 years ago I was born to a single mom living in New York City.  I don't think she planned to have me, but I am 100% certain she is glad I joined her in this journey we call life as human beings.  My mom and I went through a lot together growing up.  She was so young when she had me, in many ways we grew up together.

One of the most important lessons I learned from growing up with my momma is that wherever we lived we could call it home.

Over the first 15 years of my life we moved well over 15 times and while it was definitely challenging, it mostly served me well.  The pattern of moving has continued into my adult life.  I got to meet new people, see new places, and discover new parts of what it meant to be me. I became an expert at assessing situations and understanding what people wanted and needed in their lives.

One of my dear friends once told me how she admires my ability to drop in anywhere, in any situation, with any type of people and feel comfortable and at home. What a blessing.  As far as superpowers go- this is a pretty cool one to have to move through life.

Some may look at my life of relatively constant moving of locations and shifting of circumstances and wonder what I am running from.  I may have asked myself that once or twice over the years....but this year after yet another big move and shift, I am reminded of how fortunate I am to have this ability.

Someday, I may land in a space or place that calls me to stay for long time.  But so far it hasn't and for right now it doesn't matter.

Everywhere I go, there I am.

So no, I did not run away from anything when I moved from DC to Haiti. I am simply flowing in the rhythm of my life with a finely honed skill and expertise at being at home anywhere I go. What a joy. My new home is Haiti. 

Honoring Tragedy and Compassion

January 12, 2013 

Three years ago today devastation hit Haiti in the form of an 7.0 earthquake that shook the very foundation of the country.  Well over 250,000 people were killed, tens of thousands more were injured, and the survivors were left with the traumatic impact of the disaster.

Three years ago today the world came together in response.  It is estimated that half of all American households donated money to the relief efforts.   Over 40 countries responded with disaster relief assistance.

Stop for a moment to think about that: More people gave to the Haitian relief efforts than voted in the 2012 Presidential election.  More countries responded to the relief efforts than any other disaster. 

And so out of the devastation came compassion and hope.

You might want to ask if those millions of people who gave money three years ago are still thinking of the people in Haiti today on the 3-year anniversary of the tragedy. You might want ask what has been done with all of the money donated and efforts by so many countries.

Me, today I don't care much about those things.

I care most that there was a monumental historic disaster and millions of people responded from around the globe. I care that the world opened its heart to Haiti and offered what they could.   When the world shows compassion writ large, it is something to honored and acknowledged.

Today was not a time to ask questions about what happened to the money or what is being done in Haiti right now.  Today was a day to honor those that died, those that survived and those who responded. Today, 3 years later let's honor the pain and the caring love that poured in from all around the world.

Yes the earthquake is what drew me to come here in 2010. I came to bear witness to something that I couldn't comprehend just by reading the news. But me being here On Purpose is not about relief, or serving less fortunate.

Me being here On Purpose is about honoring the strength and resilience of the Haitian people and offering interested people opportunities for health and wellness.

Our Project Zen yoga studio was open today and I taught a yoga class today at Noon. We offered our practice to honor the fallen and the survivors and to compassion and hope.

My 2013 Mantra: Fire!

Every year since 2008 I've chosen a single word mantra to help me focus on my personal work for the year.

Past mantra's have been: serenity, kindness, havefun, love, compassion. 

I love looking at each of these words and associating them with the personal work I've done over the years.  The past five years have largely been about learning to be nicer to myself and people around me.

An important part of my process has been working to remember that we are all simply doing the best we can with what we have. To make peace with that.  To accept what is for exactly what it is.

I have come far in that journey, these concepts have become a deep part of how I see and move through the world. Now it's time to turn the page.  To start a new chapter.

My 2013 mantra is: Fire!

This year is about stepping it up and tending the Fire! of my passion to share mindfulness and healthy lifestyle choices with as many people as possible.

The journey starts here in Haiti. Over the next two months I'll tend my own fire of mindfulness and wellness and explore the best ways to share it with others.  I'll start with teaching 5 yoga classes a week at Project Zen, doing healthy lifestyle coaching sessions, and learning about what mindfulness, health and wellness looks like for people here in Haiti.

The sunrise pictured is the Fire! vision I start each day with here in Haiti.  Much love and adoration to anyone reading this and sharing in my journey of being in Haiti on Purpose.